It's 5:45 in the morning and I woke up at 4:45 but I don't have to be up for another hour.

I feel like I never really fell asleep. I mean, I'm sure I did. But it seems like I fell asleep thinking about wedding things and woke up thinking about the same things, so it feels like my thought process was never interrupted by sleep.

This is all very odd because in college, no matter what, I could fall asleep and sleep like a rock throughout the whole night. But lately, I have trouble falling asleep and then the second something wakes me up in the morning, I'm up for the day. There's just so much to do all the time. I keep going over my mental to-do lists and just praying it all goes over ok. Not just the wedding, although that is huge, but teaching (setting up my classroom and getting ready to be a teacher is the last thing on my mind...until nighttime rolls around) and just being married in general. All the things that go into it. I feel the need to look up grad school fees, check our budget, find out what discounts Wake County offers, find out when I get paid, making schedules for the day of the wedding, reminding myself to remind Joel of all the things he needs to tell the groomsmen, to wear the veil or not to wear the veil, have I gained weight?, will we find a Bible study?, when we will have time to go on a date? (we have been so busy and trying not to spend money), what will I wear in Charleston? what will our hotel be like?....all these things run through my head. And honestly, I'm not really following the "Do not be anxious about anything" verse. This is so odd for me. While I do have a tendency to worry, it's always during the day and has never before cut into my sleep time. I was always able to shut it off long enough to get 8 hours.

Although, in college, around finals times, I could fall asleep with no problem. But if Lauree would come back late and wake me up, I would sit up straight in bed and just stare at her, sometimes saying something about being late for a test. I think it would freak her out. I'm sure it got really annoying after a while. I barely remember these times but she would always tell me what time it was and to go back to sleep. I find this to be very funny.

I am SO excited about our new bed. My mattress is so old it hurts my back, and currently my back and legs hurt-but it's like a dull annoying pain.


I think this post has been sufficiently negative and when I am chipper later on I will try post something a little happier.

One thing that bugs me is that when I try to sleep in, I can't because I wake up at 7:30 and have to pee so bad I think I might die. And then I'm up, so I might as well get ready for the day. But today, I managed to get up and go back to sleep, and I consider this a huge accomplishment.

Also, as of today, I cannot find a candidate I can support, and so I don't think I will vote. I kept going back and forth and weighing the issues (and I did actually look up each candidates stance on things) and maybe later I will change my mind or find a candidate that I can feel good about supporting, but right now I am not voting. And I think the old me would have gotten very angry at the new me's decision, but I feel like voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil.

In other news, yesterday Joel and I scrubbed the kitchen. Well, he organized things because he likes to do that and put on some hot dishwashing gloves and Cloroxed everything in site. We also went to Target and bought various cleaning/organizing supplies and we had to buy shelf liners because the wood is impossible to clean-it's like unfinished and splintery. SO Target now has a couple of actually cute designs (this ain't your grandma's shelf liner anymore) and he picked out the polka dots. Hooray! We also bought a very cute red pail in which to store our new red kitchen gear. I will take pictures soon.

We feel very blessed to have this place because it's super affordable and we can grow in it a bit, and although it's not the newest or fanciest thing, it's perfect for us now.

Today my jobs include cleaning my house and taking out the trash and tutoring Cassie again :)

We have a bed! I want to take before and after pictures of the house and post them. I am so happy that we have our own bed. This is such a big deal to us. We spent most of yesterday afternoon disassembling and then assembling bed frames...who knew it could be so exhausting!


My mom made tortilla espanola for lunch today, and Joel came to eat with us. I finally got back to the gym after lunch, and I parked myself right in front of the TV that was showing that hilarious mockumentary Drop Dead Gorgeous and ellipticalled for 45 minutes.

Then Joel and I went to the pool to try catch some more rays (does anyone say that anymore?)

I really wanted to bake but after the pool we went grocery shopping and then I just went back home and fell asleep. this is a "rough draft" of what i wanted for the wedding day.


I woke up to the smell of blueberry muffins that my mom made! So nice.


By the way, I had my hair done yesterday, and this is a rough draft of what I wanted it to look like.

My fiance has taught me:
-a deep appreciation for wildflower honey and homemade chili
-how to throw a football
-how to really listen to people
-empathy
-more about Christ's unconditional love

and


-how to lighten up.

I can't wait to go to sleep and then wake up and cook sausage and eggs and make coffee. I am trying my hand at eating a large breakfast. Joel says I eat too little in the morning and then I eat too much at lunch time and then I crash and then I put on my super cranky-pants in the afternoon and Joel says I am crazy.

not to be mean though.
because he still loves me even though i get crazy.
also. i wake up too early in summer time but nothing will get done unless i do. but this is contributing to my cranky-pants-iness. today we went to the pool and i fell fast asleep while tanning the front of me. the fiance said i was mouth breathing and everything.

so tomorrow i am still waking up early but i am going to eat lots of calories and protein. and drink coffee.

then drag my butt to planet fitness.

then run some errands.

then run more errands.

then a couple more.

today, we got our marriage license and a mattress. two things that say-"we are really getting married." i recommend the original mattress factory, but i know only a teeny bit about mattresses so my opinion means very little.

also, tonight we had girls night (finally). i love talking about anything and everything. and oreos.

also, i have stopped wearing pants and taken to wearing dresses and skirts. mostly i like how my legs feel free. it's like how i hate wearing shoes. i now hate wearing pants. too confining.

i have no desire to be a nudist, but i understand why people do it.

next week we will be setting up la casa. the following week my family comes into town. after that, we will be in charleston. then i will be setting up my classroom, then teacher workdays, then i will be mrs. orr, 3rd grade teacher extraordinaire.

seems like time is flying by.

i try to "not blink" and really enjoy the moments i have. laughing with my parents. tanning at the pool on summer vacation. running "engaged" errands with the boy. making plans for fun things with the girls.

and before you know it, it'll all be here.

when did i become a grown up?

1. the beach was very fun and i am finally tan.
2. i am a worrywart and i don't do things at times just to avoid that pit-in-your-tummy feeling that seems to come more and more frequently lately.
3. i desperately want a sonic scrubber that i just saw on an infomercial. it is true. it is difficult to clean grout with a toothbrush.
4. i made a colorful to-do list.
5. when did i become so practical? i think i used to be more laid back. and i think things never got done. and currently i'm writing this instead of addressing three measly invitations that i have been avoiding.
6. this has become a reflective post. so i will continue in this vane. vein? manner.

i have re-read most of blue like jazz this weekend at the beach (joel and i went with will and christine-they are so great). i had forgotten how brilliant i think donald miller is. and i think that many people got mad at him because he speaks against republicans and all, but i think he's speaking to people that are passionate about the things that he is and often, they aren't GOP members, and it's to those who are so disconnected from the church and honestly, i have felt that way and reading this book reminds me that Jesus is someone that I know, He's someone I can have an intimate relationship with, and I get so caught up in who Jesus wants me to vote for and what I need to do in order to be right with God that I have forgotten all about grace.

and I read the chapter about grace yesterday on the beach and cried all by myself in the middle of hundreds of people, because i add so much to the gospel by saying what I need to do in order to be a Christian, but I love Jesus because He first loved me, and I think I am one of those people that has problems with grace, because I like the idea that I am loved because of some quality that is all mine, but then it's about me and not about Him, and there really isn't anything about me that deserves such favor, but He gives it so freely because He is drunk with love for me, and that love, when I accept it, fuels me to obey.

I get it so backwards sometimes.

sometimes i understand this love more because of Joel. when I get anxious, sometimes I can even doubt us, and I will come to Joel with all I have, all messed up, and sometimes blindside him with it, but he always reminds me of his love for me, and he reminds me of the love that God lavishes on us because of how he responds to me. his love makes me feel safe, protected, and i think that is what marriage is supposed to be. often i hear that when people have a child, they understand the Father's love for us so much more. and i think marriage is like that too, a reflection-a picture, of our relationship with Christ.


also, i had a dream the other night that i bought philip rivers ice cream at chik-fil-a and i think i woke up before joel had a chance to meet him, although i think i tried to make philip wait on a bench so joel could meet him.

also, i had a dream last night that i bought a navy blue polo shirt and one of those polo plaid-y mini skirts and i wore it for real, in public.

also, need some new clothes that fit me.

Summer cleaning

So I have been wanting to nest. But I can't nest in our place yet, so I have taken to cleaning, and canceling plans just so I can clean.

Today I have scrubbed bathroom floors in my house. I am sure that much Clorox should not have touched my skin. My mom and I are considering buying Greenworks cleaning products to be a little more environmentally friendly and a little less harmful to us.

One thing that I was thinking about today was that I am so thankful that Joel is a guy that will clean with me. I am really excited about being married to my best friend. When I am really nervous (which lately is a lot with a wedding coming up and teaching) Joel makes me feel so at ease. Another thing that I love is that when we go out to eat, we cannot sit facing each other. We sit side by side, and I love that. I guess I could go on, but I won't :)

This weekend my mom bought me some beautiful shoes and jewelry for the wedding...I absolutely love them. I wish I could wear them daily :) We are slowly getting things done. With 25 days left till the wedding, it really is crunch time. We're going out of town this weekend, but I'm trying to get lots done this week so I have little to do when we get back. I'm just really excited about coming back from the honeymoon together and it being our home. I won't have to leave at night or schedule when we can see each other during the week or have separate anything. It's such a huge commitment, but I am so thankful that I am making that commitment with my best friend.